PiXELWiT

Industry insiders recently uncovered raw footage revealing the aftermath of an LOL Cat photo-shoot. The images graphically depict what happens to kittens and cats after they’ve outlived their cuteness and “captionability”.

Eye-witnesses describe the lifeless cats and kittens found precariously posed in peculiar places as both “disturbing” and “heartbreaking”. Kitty corpses were haphazardly distributed throughout the otherwise normal suburban home in various places such as: boxes, ceilings, computer cases, buckets and even mason jars. Reports of deceased felines being “stacked like cordwood” outside the home are yet to be confirmed.

Overall, cat crimes are on the rise in once-quiet towns from Saskatchewan to Santiago where “Cat Ladies” or so-called “Cat Wranglers” have been known to ply their trade. Authorities are usually tipped-off to “Cat Shacks” or “LOL Factories” by concerned citizens reporting stumbling packs of flat-nosed felines aimlessly wandering neighborhood streets. Officer Bon Sykton goes on to explain,

“Cat wranglers keep their subjects docile and compliable by administering powerful narcotics. If the cat survives the initial photo shoot it almost always comes back to the LOL Factory for a quick fix and inevitably forced to endure further humiliation.”

Regarding the flat noses, Officer Sykton continues,

“It took us a while to figure this one out but after interviewing a few convicted cat wranglers we learned that over zealous photographers will often bash their camera lenses into a cat’s face when they’re trying to capture the highly prized “Super Close Up” shot. Apparently “Super Close Up” or “Big Eyes” pictures are a last ditch effort to exploit an otherwise unphotogenic feline.”

Listless flat-faced cats may be the most common indicators of a nearby LOL factory but it’s not uncommon to find kitty corpses tangled in clear polymer fishing line hanging from neighborhood fences, obvious victims of staged “Invisible Object” photos gone awry.

While “Cat Ranches” and “Kitty Compounds” are gaining prominence throughout the world, some local amateurs have begun cashing in on this hot new craze by abducting beloved neighborhood pets. One cat snatcher bragged of his ability to “steal any cat any time” especially if the cat is “bucket-worthy”. In fact, demand for LOL cats is so high that Korean restaurants are having trouble keeping their menus full. (No Koreans were available for comment.)

When asked how he felt about the exploitation, abuse and murder of kittens, one convicted cat captioner had this to say, “Look, I know it sounds awful when you put it like that, but you have to understand, it might take 10, 20… maybe even 30 cats to make a picture that’s going to help some cubicle-dweller get through his day without killing his boss… I think that’s a good thing, don’t you?”

No, Mr. Cat Captioner, I don’t. Stop the cruelty and exploitation now: Save a kitten, kill your boss.

Comments(18)