The Terrible Truth About LOL Cats!
Industry insiders recently uncovered raw footage revealing the aftermath of an LOL Cat photo-shoot. The images graphically depict what happens to kittens and cats after they’ve outlived their cuteness and “captionability”.
Eye-witnesses describe the lifeless cats and kittens found precariously posed in peculiar places as both “disturbing” and “heartbreaking”. Kitty corpses were haphazardly distributed throughout the otherwise normal suburban home in various places such as: boxes, ceilings, computer cases, buckets and even mason jars. Reports of deceased felines being “stacked like cordwood” outside the home are yet to be confirmed.
Overall, cat crimes are on the rise in once-quiet towns from Saskatchewan to Santiago where “Cat Ladies” or so-called “Cat Wranglers” have been known to ply their trade. Authorities are usually tipped-off to “Cat Shacks” or “LOL Factories” by concerned citizens reporting stumbling packs of flat-nosed felines aimlessly wandering neighborhood streets. Officer Bon Sykton goes on to explain,
“Cat wranglers keep their subjects docile and compliable by administering powerful narcotics. If the cat survives the initial photo shoot it almost always comes back to the LOL Factory for a quick fix and inevitably forced to endure further humiliation.”
Regarding the flat noses, Officer Sykton continues,
“It took us a while to figure this one out but after interviewing a few convicted cat wranglers we learned that over zealous photographers will often bash their camera lenses into a cat’s face when they’re trying to capture the highly prized “Super Close Up” shot. Apparently “Super Close Up” or “Big Eyes” pictures are a last ditch effort to exploit an otherwise unphotogenic feline.”
Listless flat-faced cats may be the most common indicators of a nearby LOL factory but it’s not uncommon to find kitty corpses tangled in clear polymer fishing line hanging from neighborhood fences, obvious victims of staged “Invisible Object” photos gone awry.
While “Cat Ranches” and “Kitty Compounds” are gaining prominence throughout the world, some local amateurs have begun cashing in on this hot new craze by abducting beloved neighborhood pets. One cat snatcher bragged of his ability to “steal any cat any time” especially if the cat is “bucket-worthy”. In fact, demand for LOL cats is so high that Korean restaurants are having trouble keeping their menus full. (No Koreans were available for comment.)
When asked how he felt about the exploitation, abuse and murder of kittens, one convicted cat captioner had this to say, “Look, I know it sounds awful when you put it like that, but you have to understand, it might take 10, 20… maybe even 30 cats to make a picture that’s going to help some cubicle-dweller get through his day without killing his boss… I think that’s a good thing, don’t you?”
No, Mr. Cat Captioner, I don’t. Stop the cruelty and exploitation now: Save a kitten, kill your boss.
Comments(18)
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PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ dont hang or kill or hurt cats
…Calm down, people. This article is for laughs. Honestly, doesn’t anyone know what sarcasm is anymore? Those cats aren’t dead; they’re obviously sleeping, and that cat on the invisible bike… Well, the wires are just as nonexistent as the “bike.” Someone added them to make add more humour to the caption. lol Some people are so gullible!
I love lol cats (well any cat really ) but this is awfull !
I hate those evil kitty killers ( hate IS a strong word , thats why i’m using it )
i dout any of this happens since my friend takes funny pics of his cat w/o trouble and he makes funny sayings bout em but he dont kill em
dont hang cats by wires plese and i dont care if threr invisable or not
@Sa, I find your skepticism refreshing but unfortunately these horrible facts are truly 100%. The image in question came directly from a known cat captioner and any other photo you may have seen WITHOUT the wires is the edited and tampered one.
I along with Alice and countless others work diligently to expose these terrible truths, please don’t undermine our noble cause with your callous and flippant remarks as you do humanity a great disservice. KthxByeBy
um EXCUSE ME. you are most likely lying becxause the “wires” in the “invisible bike” pictures arent actually there. dont tamper with your evidence if you want people to believe you. dont make something as horrible as animal cruelty up! youre disgusting tbh.
not true. most of this stuff is over exagerated. im not saying this dosent hapen but ure readihg to far into the cuteness. my ges is your joking or an idiot
Thank you for this informative article.
I always suspected LOL Cats as they are just too cute. When I try to photograph my cats they run away. I thought something was fishy.
For now my cats are safe from these LOL poachers as they are in kitty rehab for their catnip addiction, but once released you can be sure I will be keeping an eye on them.
I am happy to announce that our neighborhood watch program has added LOL Cat poachers to their watch list and sure enough, two strangers were caught trying to lure Pete and Fluffy into their van with tuna and catnip. They are now in police custody. I can’t comment more as the FBI has linked them to a larger ring of LOL Cat poachers and it is suppected that Basement Cat is the ring leader.
Sadly, pictures of Happy Cat were found in the van and it was discovered that electrodes like those used on Mr.Ed the talking horse, were used to make his “smile”. Many cats such as Asian Cat had plastic surgery done to give their eyes that slant and lasers are often implanted for the zombie cat look.
Once again, thank you for this public service as it has saved many cats from a horrible fate and because of concerned citizens such as you we all can look forward to a happy ending to this LOL Cat madness.
God Bless,
A cat lover in Georgia.
I :)’ed til I LOTI’ed, then I LOTI’ed til I LOL’ed, then I P’ed a little.
Absolutely hilarious. I laughed til I LOLed! Drool snarf!
I love lol cats! That’s terrible! I don’t know what to think! Oh, what are kitty Pornographers?
@Senocular, Yes, LOL Cats has a flavor, but it tastes a lot like animal cruelty! Down with LOL Cats!
@Ari, And you’re right to be scared. Catnappers could be coming for your favorite pet AS WE SPEAK! Keep your eyes peeled, we live in terrible times.
@Zeus, I like cats and kitties, it’s the cat killers and kitty pornographers that I hate.
Why do you hate cats?
I’m scared…
LOL Cats Haz Flavor